One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
