Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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