Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
