i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
