If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
