I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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