I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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