I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
