so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
