my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
