Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
