You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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