She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
