There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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