today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
