Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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