new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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