So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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