I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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