girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
