I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
