I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
