we're chasing vodka with high fives
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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