What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
