she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize
