Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
