he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
