Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
