It's Friday. Sex?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
