mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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