and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
