So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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