Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
