your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
