my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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