If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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