I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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