Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
