The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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