you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
