don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
