Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize