Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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