Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
