just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
