he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
