you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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