insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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