the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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