So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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