The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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