guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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