Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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