I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you traded sex for a burrito?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
