So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
