I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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