Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
