It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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