If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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