Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
