What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
