someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
