I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
