I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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