I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
