I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
