She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
