Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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