he shaved USA in his pubs
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
